i need an iv and a liver transplant
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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