You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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