Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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