god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
