and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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