Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
