I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
