I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
