Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
