The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
