new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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