Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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