hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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