i need an iv and a liver transplant
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize