On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
