I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
