come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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