Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
