he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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