I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
