Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
