so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
