Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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