Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize
