It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
