Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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