Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize