On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
