You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
