Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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