What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
