Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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