omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
