did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Bring me that man meat
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
