So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
