woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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