He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
sarcasm needs its own font
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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