his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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