That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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