Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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