Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
