Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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