My hand turned me down
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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