If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
