He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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