Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
