my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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