Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
