Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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