I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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