Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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