What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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