I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
