Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
