Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
