she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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