I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i came on her dog
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
