you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need to sanitize my soul.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
