i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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