two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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