Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
